It's Never Easy, Is It?

 It's been almost a year since I wrote that last blog entry, and what am I trying to do again?  Lose weight.  This time is particularly frustrating.  I think I need to describe my day and see if I can figure out why I'm eating so much.  I can see a pattern and it's so disgusting, that I can't get a handle on my eating and drinking.  

I start out every day with the best of intentions, and then by mid afternoon, I just want to eat.  And eat, and eat.  i keep making excuses about how hard it is, when really, I just don't want to change.  I want to be able to eat whatever I want, whenever I want, and that is totally unrealistic. 

It's like this, yesterday, I didn't plan out my meals, so I went and got McDonald's for breakfast.  How stupid is that?  And then I don't get just one sausage mcmuffin, I get two and two hashbrowns.  How ridiculous, and then when I put them in to weight watchers and they use up everypoint I have for the day I say, ok, that's it until dinner.  But what do I do at lunch time, I go get a small bag of chips and peanut butter m and m's.  And then I get the idea that I want a chicken quesadilla from the taco truck and I can't get the idea out of my head, and I know that I am going to drive my car on the way home, pass the turn to my house and go to the taco truck to get that damn quesadilla, and then I get home and I eat every bite of it.  And I tell myself that I needed it.  Can you believe that?  I needed it.  Insert a lot of dripping sarcasm here.  

So what is really going on in my brain that makes me think that I need to eat that way?  Am I trying to force my husband to get rid of me because I don't feel like I'm good enough?  What the hell is my problem?  I'm slowly getting the money thing squared away, I've started to organize things again, which means I'm coming out of the blue funk that I've been in.  

I want one day where I don't cheat.  Where I measure what I'm suposed to eat and then eat just that .  I don't want those shitty looks from my husband because he doesn't find me attractive because I'm "

a little broad in the beam" .  

I just want to be thin, and do my thing and be happy.  And I'm not.  So, I'm going to try again, and again and again.  I'm not going to fall for the excuses thing.  I'm just going to do it.  

So today, I had 6 ounces of Ocarlans, and 3/4 of a 1/2 of a bagel and 2 ounces of smoked salmon and 1 tbs of capers and 1 tbs of cream cheese and 3 slices of tomato.    Fish and veggies for dinner tonight, stop eating so many carbs, and make a new me.  I'll weigh myself tomorrow at the gym, take a picture of it, and keep doing that every day.  I'll look at my fat photos when I want to eat something that makes me fat.  I can't keep doing this.  I can't.  I am a Welton, and we can overcome any adversity.  I just have to keep reminding myself of that.